Fifty Shades: The Further Adventures of Kate & José
by Voted Best Humor Fan Fiction
Summary: Like "Grey Hair," these stories are all based on classic naughty jokes along the lines of: "Life is sexually transmitted."
1. Nicknames

It was a girl's night out. Just me, Kate, and Jose.

"Have you ever...?" Jose would giggle.

"Only when..." Kate would teehee.

" _Ew!_ " I would guffaw.

Like most sleepovers, the talk made it's way to boys and our relationships with them.

"I like to call my boyfriend Mountain Dew," Jose said, confiding to us the nickname he gave his soul mate _du jour_.

" _Mountain Dew?_ " I cackled. That sounded like the worse nickname ever. "Why would you call him Mountain Dew?"

"Because," Jose snickered, "all he wants is to 'mount' and 'do' me."

Oh... _now_ it made sense.

"How about you, Ana?" he asked me. "What do you call Christian?"

"I call him Mr. Grey."

"Oh," both Kate and Jose expelled like two deflating balloons.

Thinking quickly to take the spotlight off of me, I turned to Kate.

"Well," I said, saying, "what do you call Elliot?"

" _Elliot?_ Why, I call him Jack Daniels," Kate admitted.

" _Jack Daniels?_ " Jose snorted. "Why would you want to call him _that?_ "

"Yeah," I piped in, "isn't Jack Daniels a hard liquor?"

Kate laughed lasciviously.

"You bet he is," she said.


	2. Surprise!

It was a girl's night for me, my beautiful roommate Kate, and my bestest, dearest, gayest hispanic friend, Jose.

Kate had long since passed out, which gave Jose and myself a chance to spill a few secrets.

"I know you're gay, Jose, but was it nature or nurture?"

"I used to be straight, Ana, but I had a religious experience that changed my sexuality forever."

Ooh... a religious conversion.

"Do tell," I said. "Do tell."

"Well," Jose began, "I was riding the bus when the most beautiful woman I had ever seen climbed on board. The only problem was, she was a nun. I just had to approach her, anyway. 'Sister,' I told her, 'you're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen and I must have sex with you."

"'Sorry,' she said, sweetly, 'but I have promised the Lord to remain a virgin.'

"With that, she pulled on the cord to stop the bus, and, when the bus stopped, she got off. I was heartbroken. The bus driver must have seen that, because he told me, 'Hey, buddy, if you really want to, I know a way you could have sex with her.' I was all ears, so he continued, 'Every afternoon at exactly three o'clock she goes to confession, and...'

"I broke into a smile hearing his plan, thinking to myself, 'You know, this just might work.'

"The next day was the bus driver's day off. He went to the church at 2:30 to distract the priest for me. At 2:45, I showed up at the church dressed like a priest. I went into the confessional and waited for the nun. Sure enough, at exactly three o'clock, she entered her side of the confessional and said, 'Bless me, father, for I have sinned...'

"'Excuse me, sister,' I interrupted, 'but I have received a message from God. He has told me that you and I must have sex together immediately.'

"'Well,' the beautiful nun answered, 'if God has decreed it, then it must be so. However, because I have promised the Lord to remain a virgin, I will only have anal sex in the dark.'

"Heck, that got me even _more_ excited than I already was. I agreed immediately, and we began to make mad, furious love. It was the best sex I ever had. After it was over, however, my conscience began to get the better of me, and I just had to confess the deception. I turned on the light and said, 'Surprise! I'm the guy on the bus!'

The nun turned around, laughing.

"Surprise! I'm the bus driver!'"


	3. The Pet Store

" _Ana!_ "

Kate rushed into our apartment as I was having breakfast. She was all excited. As usual.

"You'll never guess what happened!"

"You just had a meaningless one-night stand?" I speculated, speculativedly

"How'd you guess?"

Between you and me, I don't mean to imply that my closest friend in the world is easy-peasy, but the first thing she usually does in the morning is go home.

As it turns out, Kate was window-shopping at a pet store where she saw a very handsome customer going up one aisle and down the other. Feeling rather frisky, she decided to strike up a conversation with the man.

"Hi," she smiled. "How are you today?"

"Fine, thank you," he smiled back, and went back to strolling the aisles.

She stalked, I mean, casually followed him around the store.

"Do you like birdies?" she flirted.

"Why, yes, I do," he answered.

"How about doggies?"

"Of course."

There was a kind of awkward silence for a few moments, as they stood there. They were attracted to each other, but she wasn't sure how to take it further.

"So..." Kate finally said, coquettishly, "do you like pussycats?"

With that, the handsome man grabbed Kate, threw her on a bag of Kibble, and gave her the ride of her life.

"That was wild," Kate gasped when they were done.

Fortunately, the pet store was empty so they were able to lay there, basking in the afterglow.

After a while, the handsome stranger asked, "How did you know my name was Katz?"


	4. The Suppository

What friends will do for friends.

The other day, Jose went to the doctor for a digestive problem. The doctor told him that the illness was quite serious, but it could be cured with a series of two suppositories which would have to be administered up his butt. Jose's, not the doctor's.

"So what did you do?" I asked my friend.

"What could I do, Ana?" Jose told me. "I bent over and let the doctor insert the first suppository."

"Oh, you poor thing," I sympathized.

Jose nodded his head in agreement.

"But that's not the worst part," he said.

"It's not?"

"No."

"Then what is?"

"Well," he said, sheepishly, "I haven't inserted my second suppository yet."

"Why not?"

"I can't reach back there to insert it properly."

That's when I knew what he had in mind.

"Oh, no," I told him, "there's no way I'm going to..."

So there I was, with Jose bending over in front of me, his cheeks spread wide. I put one hand on his shoulder to steady myself, and with the other I pushed the medicine home.

"OH, MY GOD!" Jose screamed.

"Osh-kosh, by gosh," I said, "I didn't hurt you, did I?"

"No," Jose sputtered, "but I just realized that when the doctor did that... he had BOTH hands on my shoulders!"


	5. Golfing

You know the saying, "No good deed goes unpunished."?

Well, let me tell you, that saying is _so_ true. Why, just the other day, after much begging from my best friend Jose, I talked Christian into taking him golfing.

"Don't _ever_ ask me to take one of your friends golfing again, Ana!" my husband chastised me as he stormed into our house later that afternoon.

"What happened?" I asked him, but it was too late. He had already stormed his way upstairs.

Jose slowly walked in next. He looked so sad. I raised my eyebrows in the universal sign for, " _WTF?_ " and he raised his hands in the universal sign for, "Girl, you don't even _want_ to know."

It seems that on one hole, Jose hit his ball into the woods. When he walked to retrieve it, he saw a man hugging a tree with his ear up against the bark.

"What are you doing?" Jose asked the strange man.

"Listening to the music of the trees," the man answered.

"I don't believe you," Jose said, not believing him.

"You don't have to believe me," the man told him. "Listen for yourself."

So the man extracted himself from the tree, and made the universal sign for, "Go ahead. See for yourself." And that's just what Jose did.

 _Holy crap!_

When Jose put his arms around the tree, the man slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, trapping him where he stood. Jose cried out, but it was no good. In seconds, the man stole his wallet, his car keys, his watch, and all of the other jewelry Jose was wearing, which, being Jose, was pretty substantial. Just for laughs, the crook stripped Jose naked.

Then he left.

Jose stood there for hours, yelling his head off, but no one heard his cries for help. To tell the truth, this being a golf course for the rich, I think they just ignored him. Just when Jose was about to give up hope, another golf ball came bouncing into the forest and landed miraculously at his feet.

"Thank goodness!" Jose cried, as a wayward golfer came wandering up, in search of his lost ball.

"What the heck happened to you?" the golfer asked, surprised at finding a man stark naked and handcuffed to a tree.

So Jose told him his tale of woe. At the end of Jose's sad story, the golfer shook his head in sympathy and walked behind him.

"You know," the golfer told Jose as he unzipped his fly, "this just isn't your day."


	6. The Thousand Dollars

Kate sure was surprised when her roommate Jose's deadbeat cousin Sy showed up at her doorstep yesterday morning and offered a thousand dollars to have sex with her.

"Well, what did you do?" I asked her.

"What do you think I did, Ana?" she answered. "I went shopping."

When Jose came home from work later that afternoon, Kate was busily trying on her new clothes.

"By any chance, Kate," he asked her, "did my cousin Sy come by today?"

"As a matter of fact, he did," she told him. "Why do you ask?"

"Well," Jose said, "he told me he'd drop by to return the thousand dollars I lent him last week."


	7. Free Drinks!

Kate and Jose were in the mood for a wild night of drinking and getting drunk, but, sadly, one thing kept them from it.

They were both broke.

"What about your credit card?" Jose suggested. "Your dad's good for it."

"Can't," Kate told him. "I guess I've been shopping too much lately. The last time I swiped my card it burst into flames."

They both sat there, shaking their beds sadly.

"Hey!" Kate yelped, her head jerking up excitedly. "Do we have any hot dogs?"

"Yeah," Jose told her. "Why?"

"I have an idea," Kate told him.

Her idea was this: she and Jose would go to the Cincinnati Bar District blocks away from UTEP and bar-hop. The bouncers there were notorious for not putting up with any shenanigans. Located so close to the state university, local law enforcement kept a close eye on the partying college students.

"Grab a hot dog," she continued her explanation, "and bring it with you. We'll go into each bar and order a shot. After we toss them back, you unzip your fly, pull out the hot dog, and I'll fall to my knees and pretend to give you oral sex."

Jose laughed. If there was one thing Kate was good at, it was being outrageous.

"That's so stupid," he said, "it's GOT to work."

And that's EXACTLY what they did. Dozens of times. Over and over again. They went into a bar. Ordered a shot. Threw it back. Jose pulled down his zipper and Kate fell to her knees.

"Hey! We don't allow that kind of nonsense in here!" the bartender would usually shout, or something like it.

And, as Kate predicted, they were thrown out of EVERY bar.

Hours later, sufficiently drunk and laughing, Kate told Jose, "That was SO much fun."

"Yeah," Jose agreed, also laughing.

"I'm done for the night," Kate told him. "Throw the hot dog away and let's go home."

That made Jose laugh even harder.

"Throw away the hot dog?" he sputtered. "I threw away the hot dog after the third bar!"


	8. The Predicament

"Ana!" Kate cries out, excitedly. "I don't know what to do."

"What, Kate? What?" I cry back, my enquiring mind wanting to know.

"Your creepy boyfriend's dreamy brother asked me out for Saturday night."

She was talking about Elliot, the brother of Christian Grey, who, for the record, is _not_ creepy. He's just a misunderstood stalker who's into kinky sex.

"Holy crap," I tell her.

From the corner of my eye, I can see the brow of Jose, my best homosexual friend, wrinkle in curiousity.

"Should I go?" Kate continues.

"I wouldn't," I told her. "He'll wine you and dine you and then use any excuse to get you into his bedroom, where he'll tear off your dress and make passionate love to you."

"Oh, Ana! What should I do?"

Jose looks up from the copy of Blueboy he's pretending to read and answers for me.

"Wear an old dress," he says.


	9. Well Almost

"Oh, My God!" Kate exclaimed. "The same thing happened to me!"

She thought a second.

"Well... almost."

Kate and Jose were spending a decadent evening together throwing back shots of their favorite mescal, fighting over the worm, and swapping sexual abuse stories. Jose had just told her about the time, as a child, he walked into his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night and caught the two of them having sex missionary style.

"Mommy!" Jose had cried. "What are you doing?!"

"Making babies," his mother assured him.

Kate poured herself another shot.

"I walked in on my mother and father having sex, too," she whispered confidentially.

"You didn't!" Jose gasped.

"I did!" Kate confessed.

"And what happened?"

"Well, I opened the bedroom door and saw my mother on her knees giving my father oral sex. Just like you, I cried, 'Mommy! What are you doing?!'

"'Making jewelry,' she said."


	10. A Perfectly Good College Education

For Thanksgiving, Kate and Jose thought they'd leave all their worries and sexual frustrations behind and go camping.

In the middle of the night, Kate woke up and looked towards the sky. She nudged Jose awake and asked him, "What do you see?"

Rubbing his eyes, Jose looked up and said, "I see billions and billions of stars."

"And what does that tell you?" Kate said, nudging him again to keep his eyes open.

"Astronomically speaking," Jose told her, "it tells me there are countless galaxies and potentially billions of planets, at once making me realize how incredibly insignificant we are. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow." Jose sat up, proud of himself. "And what does it tell _you_ , Kate?"

Kate turned to her platonic friend and saw what a waste of a perfectly good college education looked like.

"It tells me that somebody stole our tent," she said.


	11. The Deserted Island

Holy crap! Great googly-moogly! And thank God everything came out all right in the end!

You see, my bestest friends in the whole world went on a cruise last year and the cruise ship _went down_ , and not in the fun way. They were missing for _months_ , and no one knew if they were dead or alive.

Turns out they were alive, and when they got back, boy, did they have a tale to tell.

It seems that Jose and Kate both washed up on the same deserted island. After weeks of forced celibacy, Jose was pretty horny and started badgering Kate to have sex with him. A few weeks after that, Kate finally achieved the same level of horniness and gave in.

Three weeks of letting their animal instincts get the better of them go by, and then Jose said to her, "Kate, would you please do me a favor and put on this fake beard and mustache?"

"Jose," Kate said, "I know you're really a gay man, I can tell by the way you like to gossip, but I'm not going to have sex with you wearing a fake beard and mustache."

"I don't want to have sex with you wearing a fake beard and mustache," he assured her, "although that does sound pretty sexy. No, I just want you to put them on and walk around this deserted island."

"That's all?"

"That's all."

Kate thought about it, found the idea harmless, so she agreed. She put on the faux facial hair, and began her walk around the island.

Jose hurriedly walked away in the opposite direction, and, when he finally saw her in the distance, he breathlessly ran up to her and excitedly said, "Guess who _I'm_ having sex with."


	12. Drunk

Kate stumbled into the apartment she shared with Jose every since Ana, her old roommate, moved out. She was dead drunk and carrying an almost empty bottle of Tito's Vodka, and I'm not just saying that because they paid me.

Jose was standing there.

"Look at you," he scolded her, "you're a disgrace. You've been drunk ever since Ana moved out. Give me that bottle."

He snatched the vodka out of her hand and twisted off the cap. Holding his nose, he took a swig.

" _Yuck!_ " he said, spitting out the burning liquid."That tastes awful _._ "

"A-and all this time," Kate slurred, "you thought I was ha-havin' fun."


	13. Quantum Shades of Realities

In an alternate universe, José is married to Kate and, in _that_ parallel world, artificial intelligence is a reality.

No, really.

So, one day, José buys a robot that slaps people in the face if they don't tell the truth. He decides to test it out, so he brings Kate, their son, and the robot all together in the living room.

"What did you do today?" he asks his son.

"My homework," his son answers, and the robot slaps the unsuspecting kid in his face.

"Okay, okay," his son admits. "I was at a friend's house. His parents weren't there, so we watched a movie."

"What kind of movie?" José asks.

"A Disney movie," the boy answers, and the robot slaps him _again!_

"Pornography!" the kid blurts out. "We were watching some pornography! Honest!"

José could hear Kate snickering behind him.

"He's definitely _your_ son," she says.

...and the robot slaps _her_.

The next day, José got rid of the robot.


	14. I'm Sure There's An Explanation

In an alternate universe, José is married to Kate and in _that_ parallel world men and women still have the same problems that men and women have in _this_ actuality.

No, really.

So, one day, José is sitting in a bar, looking incredibly glum.

"What's wrong, pal?" the bartender says.

"I think my wife is cheating on me," José answers. "I had to go on a week-long business trip, so I hung a weight from the bottom of her bedspring just above a bowl of cream."

"And you came home and found cream on the weight?" the bartender speculates.

"Worse than _that_ ," José says. "When I came home, the weight had churned the cream into _butter!_ "


	15. Who Wears The Pants?

In one of many quantum universes, Kate and José are married.

"Don't you wear the pants in your family?" the curious bartender asked José, continuing the previous story.

"You bet I do!" José bragged, puffing out his chest. "Why, just the other night she came crawling to me on her hands and knees."

"Wow!" said the bartender. "Then what happened?"

"She said, 'Quit hiding under the bed and fight like a man!'"


End file.
